Years ago when my children were young and we homeschooled, our church allowed any homeschooling members to use their gym on Friday’s for about 2 hours. Not many families availed themselves of the opportunity but it was a nice small group and we usually stayed after for a packed lunch and fellowship.
I was struggling significantly at that time with chronic illness, fibromyalgia/arthritis, anxiety, extreme insecurity, and what I like to call extreme discouragement. My self-talk was terrible and I didn’t think I could do anything right (I hadn’t yet learned who I was in Christ). Plus, I am surrounded by many critical people and that wears on you after awhile and makes you second guess yourself, which adds to the insecurity.
But I knew God had placed in me a strong vision for homeschooling and I was doing my best to walk the vision out in faith.
It was one day after we had enjoyed our play time that I was driving home and I had the longest conversation with the Lord that I have ever had. It went something like this…
“Lord?! Did you see how relaxed Wanda was with her children? And she was talking about how well her daughter was reading? And how quiet they were?!? My children couldn’t be quiet if their lives depended on it. I’m following Your leading and learning about disaster preparedness and end-time Bible prophecy and trying to faithfully prepare them to be ready for anything including being quiet in order to save their lives. And I’m getting nowhere!
And did you see how respectful her children were to her? Your Word says we’re to teach our children to honor their parents so they may enjoy long life. (Eph 6:2-3). Father, I feel like such a failure…
And her reading! Did you hear how far along her daughter is in her reading? I know you gave me a strong teaching gift, but Lord, something just isn’t working. I’m missing something, but I don’t know what. Everyone else sees our oldest is behind in her reading, and because of it no one sees all the other things we’re accomplishing. Maybe everyone is right and I shouldn’t be homeschooling, but I know you want them home Lord. I know it. What am I missing?! (We did not yet know we were in the learning disabilities realm). Help me to block out everyone else and only hear Your voice.
And Sue. Did you hear how she was explaining her math lessons? It was so on point and detailed. And her daughter was getting it! But I know You led me to the curriculum we’re using. It’s very God centered curriculum.
Lord…
I am such a failure. I am ruining my children. I must not know how to hear from You. I can’t do anything right. I’m not ever going to feel well and I’m not ever going to achieve all I believe You want me to. I am such a failure…”
And I just wanted to pull over to the side of the road and bawl.
And then the Lord’s response went something like this…
Daughter,
First of all, Wanda has a totally different personality than you. And she has a totally different type of husband. And she has no health issues like you are facing. And she has a girl and a boy, a TOTALLY different dynamic than what you are dealing with.
And Sue? She feels at least as bad as you do physically and then some, but she has a teaching degree. She knows techniques that you don’t know.
And besides, I didn’t tell you to teach reading first. I told you to teach character building first.
Sigh…
I felt so comforted. Like Abba, my Heavenly Father, was right there beside me, walking with me, holding me. And He was. And He still is. Instilling His vision for my life. Leading, guiding, directing.
It’s important to remember that we are on a journey. Each homeschool, each family, is unique. God knows EXACTLY what your family needs. Hone your listening skills and listen to the Lord first. Try to teach your children those skills as well.
Don’t compare yourself to anyone. Rest in the Lord, and learn to home educate from that position of rest.
I always said I’d rather have children whose hearts belonged to Jesus and their parents, and who were filled with common sense and good character, than children with straight A’s. Homeschooling is about relationships first. Relationships with each other and with the Lord. And then academics.
And I always sensed that when I was doing what Jesus wanted me to do, there was a deep sense of peace. It was one of the ways He was teaching me to know His voice and His leading.
Trust your instincts Mama, and stop the negative self-talk. And remember, you were hand-picked by God to be your child’s mother.
